Reflection 2: The Fire Under My Ass

The Fire Under My Ass

My initial motivation for joining the minor, and in fact for returning to school after wandering the globe for five years, is admittedly embarrassing in light what was taught throughout the GPP curriculum. In 2004 I traveled to Cape Town, South Africa, to visit friends and continue the party that was my life. Things rapidly changed as it became obvious that it was not going to be easy to ignore the desperation around me. I had never experienced poverty like I saw it throughout Sub-Saharan Africa, so I decided to volunteer teaching English in one of Cape Town’s townships. I began to feel selfish for the way I was living my life especially when I looked at the dedication of the students in my class. I felt like I was squandering the opportunity I was given simply by being born in the United States.
Restarting my college education was not easy and I had to overcome a lot of hurdles to get to where I am. During my more dismal moments of self-doubt, where I considered whether or not I could go through with my decision to restart my education, I would give myself a pep talk that sounded something like, “what about Africa? You have to do this for them” or “what would they (my former students) say?” Though these sound like slightly naïve things to say now. I suppose they served their purpose at the time. That is, it motivated me to refuse to admit defeat. I now know that this feeling is commonly referred to either as “white guilt” or “the white man’s burden”. I know that these feelings are completely natural and that a good many people experience something similar. Do I still have feelings of white guilt? The answer is, yes. I have witnessed enough injustice in my life to be sure that life is not fair. I don’t deserve a life of opportunity and privilege any more than the two billion people living on less than $2/day deserve to live in poverty. This problem of inequality is exasperated by those who feel that they in a better position because they somehow deserve it more than others. My feelings of guilt arise today when I am sure that I am not making full use of the education I have been given. Getting the education was not enough; now I have to use it.
Today I consider my motivations to be less idealistic and much more realistic. I don’t like what I see in the world and I want to do something to help make it better. That has not changed. The difference in my motivations today is that I no longer have delusions of grandeur. I feel that I am capable of making a difference in the lives of the poor and I also feel like I have a pretty good idea of how I can best utilize my skills to go about it. I am also motivated daily by the belief that my education has given me a quality set of analytical tools that will allow me to make informed decisions when difficult moments arise in the projects I ultimately undertake. I have moved beyond those dark feelings of helplessness that so many of us endure. I feel like I have struck a healthy balance between the hubris of benevolence and the paralysis of cynicism. I am motivated by the belief that I can make a difference, but that I don’t need to single handedly save the world.